I usually say a few things about me and my life when I do a blog entry for clients. However, this is one of the only blogs I’ve ever done (and so far, there have been more than 150 blogs) that is all about me and my life.
So, here goes. My name is Lexie and I’m adopting a baby. I could have also said: My name is Lexie and I can’t have babies of my own. That isn’t something that I usually talk about because it makes me and other people uncomfortable. I know when I was going through all sorts of testing to determine why Chris and I hadn’t been able to expand our family after trying for so long, I felt very alone.
The testing was invasive and scary. I know I’m very blessed to have the husband I do and the family I do because without them, I don’t know how I would have been able to get through it all. There were a number of procedures where my mom sat next to me, letting me crush her hand while a gaggle of doctors did their thing at the end of my exam table. Without her as an anchor, I don’t know how I could have dealt with everything. I know there were nights where I was so angry about how ‘unfair’ this was that, were it not for Chris, I would have been bouncing off the walls. But most people don’t know about all that. I didn’t talk about it much because it’s not pleasant.
In the last few months we found out that there was a very small chance we could ever get pregnant either naturally or with fertiility procedures. That left us with a couple of options. We could try a specific fertility treatment that was very involved and invasive and expensive for a 15-20% chance of success. Alternatively we could explore other ways of becoming parents. I remember the doctor telling us all of this information and being shocked. You never expect news like this to be delivered to you. I remember looking at Chris and my eyes starting to fill up with tears. I remember him squeezing my hand. I remember getting in to the car and breaking down. I remember him telling me that everything would be alright.
Making the decision to either go the fertility route or explore adoption was the hardest choice we’ve ever had to make. Chris and I have always found that if we want something enough and work hard enough for it, we’ll get what we want in time. I suppose that we can still believe in that system although it’s not exactly what we had originally hoped for.
In the end though, we agreed that our goal was to be parents. That meant that whatever avenue we took to get to that point was secondary. That’s when we made the decision to pursue adoption.
Since then, a LOT has happened. We have started out homestudy (an in depth interview with an adoption practitioner), the STACKS of paperwork and also PRIDE training. This weekend was our first taste of PRIDE training and it was incredible. We met all sorts of different people hoping to adopt little ones, older children and sibling groups. There were single people there, same sex couples, young couples and older couples. But what we had in common was the fact that we all knew where the other people in the group were coming from. That was the first time that I felt truly understood.
I think the hardest thing about this journey is the conflicting emotions. Some days I’m completely focused and joyous on the fact that I’m going to get to be a mom. I’m going to have a son or daughter to introduce to the world and raise and love. I’m going to have the privilege of being a parent. Then, there are days where I’m ticked off that I have to jump through these hoops for something that comes so easily for most people. There are days where I’m devastated that I don’t get to carry a child. That’s something that I’ve dreamt about my entire life. On those days, I feel cheated. That’s one of the reasons we’re looking specifically at adopting a newborn – so that if we can’t experience the miracle of creating our own child that we can still experience the miracle of life from the very start.
Phew – this is sort of heavy. But it honestly feels good to put this all out on the table. It’s important for me to share this because I want people to know you’re not alone. I’m sure my fam is sick of hearing me say this specific saying but, here goes. I HATE when people say “Misery loves company” but I do find comfort in the idea that there are other people out there who know what I’m going through. And I may know what you’re going through. That’s comforting.
Soon, we’ll be back in a waiting pattern. Right now, there is lots to do. We have paper work, checks to complete, training to attend and the rest of our homestudy. Once that is all complete, we’ll just be waiting to find a match.
I want to thank everyone for the support that we’ve received and the true, sweet and kind enthusiasm that our friends, family and even complete strangers have shown. This hasn’t been and won’t ever be easy but we’re looking forward to the day that we get to bring our child home.
